Autophobia

It’s 2:38 am, and what is Mushy doing at this late hour? It could be that she’s sat at home reading a book, glasses perched on her face, brown hair in a bun. 

 

Well, it could be. But that would mean being alone at this late hour. Alone with her thoughts, alone with what lurks behind every corner. 

 

So instead she opted for going to the nearest club in town and getting absolutely hammered, blurry-eyed, her dyed orange and yellow hair loose in a ponytail, draped over a bar.

 

“Miss, I’m going to have to cut you off,” the obviously aggravated bartender says to her. Of course, she doesn’t take this lightly, but if there’s one thing she knows how to do, it’s flirt her way out of confrontation. 

 

“Well, Mister Holier than Thou,” she hiccups, ”I’m going to have to ask for your number,” she winks. 

 

The bartender sighs, knowing how this is going to end, “Anna!” he yells across the room. “She’s at it again!” 

 

It wasn’t too soon after that that she wound up thrown on the concrete outside the club, muffled shouts and music blaring inside. The tall security guard simply shook her head when Mushy looked up at her. 

 

“Mushy, you know I don’t like having to throw you out. Why can’t you just slow down, chill for a bit? You can still come to the club, you just don’t have to be so,” she pauses for a moment, thinking of the right word, “inebriated.”

 

Mushy simply laughs, pulling a small pink pill from her pocket and tossing it down her throat before Anna could stop her, “To be, as you say, inebriated,”” she sloppily holds up her hands to do hand quotes, “is to be happy.” 

 

Anna just shakes her head and scoffs, “You’re gonna kill yourself one of these days, Emma.” 

 

She just laughs again, shaking her head, “Isn’t that the dream?”

 

The other just rolls her eyes, angry, and storms back inside the club. Mushy decides to get herself off the floor, feeling the weight of a thousand elephants as she does so. She looks around, noticing none of her friends are here, so the effects of the pill haven’t taken place. 

 

She starts the way home, alone. 

 

This is when the thoughts come in. Every turn, every step, every glance brings a new one. 

 

You’re embarrassing 

 

“Stop it,” She says to no one.

 

No, really, you thought getting sloshed at the club was the way to get rid of us. 

 

We’re with you forever, Emma Faree 

 

“Please,” She stutters, “Just go away.”

 

 Disgusting, you think someone will save you, you think anyone would even care about you. She watched you take that pill, heard what you said, and still walked away.

 

A single squeak echoes down the alleyway. 

 

Maybe you should just…

 

She lets out a scream, tears forming in her eyes as she collapses to the sidewalk. 

 

Memories flash before her eyes, the past coming into the present, as if she’s reliving it all. Everyone she’s ever loved, leaving her. Hidden behind the drugs, the drinking, and the sex lies the crippling fear that no one will ever care enough to stay. That no one..

 

“Hey, Mushy!” She pokes her head up from where it was lying on her knees, someone jostling her. “Mushy, where have you been? I’ve missed you.” 

 

She squints, trying to make sense of the form in front of her, of course! It’s only her best friend in the entire world, “Nick?” She widens her eyes, bringing him in for a hug 

“Oh, Mushy, I told you you can’t leave me for that long, or else those terrible thoughts will pester you! What were you thinking, waiting so long?” 

 

Mushy feels… Amazing. That’s the only word she can think of to explain the lack of feeling in her limbs and her mind racing, not with negativities, but with ideas, creativity, thoughts with meaning. I’m not alone, she thinks, smiling widely. “I’m not alone,” she repeats outloud.

 

“No, silly, you have me, and if we can get home, all our other friends can greet us. Now hop on up.”

 

Mushy had only used this drug a few times; it was a risky one, highly addictive, high in price, and, of course, deadly. But with it, she wouldn’t be alone.  With it, she had friends, people she could count on no matter what. They didn’t judge her, they didn’t make her feel left out, they didn’t scold her. 

 

It didn’t matter one bit that the view from the outside would just picture a girl stumbling around town talking animatedly to herself. That was an issue for later. For now, she let Nick lead her back home safely.

 

On the way home, she allows herself to look at the blurry image of the man beside her. His almost yellow hair is shining in the moonlight, and his jean jacket sports some pins from various bands, memes, and flags. Her favorite being “This is sewious” with the duck from Wonder Pets. 

 

He was kind, Nick saved her when she thought no one would. Deep down, she knows he’s not real; he’s just a dream induced by a little pill, but he was still her best friend. 

 

17 minutes later, they arrive at a run-down apartment complex, and she stumbles up 3 stories before turning 2 doors down and opening the door to her home. 

 

It wasn’t much, it wasn't dirty, but it wasn’t clean. Laundry piled up, but no trash. Everything had a spot, to her at least. It wasn’t spacious by any means. It’s a small studio; her queen bed takes up a third of the main room. Don’t judge her comforter; she finds it easier to sleep with the feeling of fluffy rainbow blankets surrounding her. The kitchen was scattered with various dishes, and if you were to open the cupboards, you’d find them mostly empty. 

 

“So what’s on the agenda for today?” Mushy asks as she hops onto the bed, “Ooo let’s bake a cake!”

 

Nick just laughs, “And how do you suggest we do that, silly,” he shakes his head, “You have nothing in this kitchen, how about we doordash some dinner real quick, cause I know it’s been at least 24 hours since you’ve last consumed a full meal-”

 

“At the bar I ha-”

 

“A bowl of chips doesn’t count, and you got thrown out before you could finish half.” Nick laughs.

 

The only issue, Mushy doesn’t. In fact, it looks like she’s about to cry. “I really fucked it up this time didn’t I.” She recalls Anna’s face as she walked away, “This was my last chance, I just know it”.

 

Nick sits beside her and puts his arm around her shoulders, “Hey, I’m sure it’ll all be okay, besides who needs Anna?” his tone sounded off as he spoke her name, almost sour, but she couldn’t find it in her to care, the look in his eyes spoke nothing but honesty and care, “You have me, and we shall be together til death do us part.”